Truth Or Consequences

If the "truth in advertising" laws were actually enforced, fishing camp brochures would probably look a lot different.

by Alan Jones

April 1, 2006

Welcome to Big Bass Lake Resort (*the biggest bass ever caught here would only seem big if you had to swallow it whole). We know you're going to enjoy your visit here (*just like we "knew" Dukakis was going to win in 1988). Just imagine stepping outside in the morning and breathing in the fresh mountain air (*provided the kitty litter recycling plant is downwind; same goes for Mount Trashmore, the local landfill and the only mountain in the area).

Transportation from the local international airport (*it's only an international airport because our pilot, "Wrong-Way Calhoun," frequently flies to Canada by accident) is provided by Cadillac limo (*1968 Hearse, which often comes in handy) that will whisk you away (*no brakes) to our little slice of heaven (*H.E. double hockey sticks) where you can commune with nature (*bring the bug spray and coyote repellent).

Guests have a choice of accommodations, including the luxurious (*four mostly functional walls and a roof) Presidential Cabin (*the president of the Hair Club for Men once stayed here when his car broke down). You can also choose one of our budget-friendly (*if your last name is Trump) rustic cabins (*from the root word, "rust"). All cabins are equipped with the latest conveniences (*if this were the 1800s). Amenities (*fancy word for items not considered absolutely essential for human life to exist, such as air) include a full kitchen (*the last time the stoves and refrigerators worked, so did your mooch of a brother-in-law), workout room (*Big Bass has a "chop your own firewood" policy), in-room Jacuzzi (*plain ol' bathtub made bubbly thanks to the chef's habit of serving canned baked beans at every meal). Away from the city lights, you won't believe all the stars you can see here (*especially through the roof in cabin #4).

Our Indian fishing guides (*from Bombay, since the outsourcing) know these waters well (*they don't know squat about what's in the water, however) and will put you on the fish (*at some point, the law of averages say your boat will be positioned over a fish, but catching them is another matter altogether).

Our world-famous chef (*he was on Court TV in that "manslaughter by casserole" trial) will amaze you with his creative cooking (*who knew there was such a thing as bass ice cream?). After dinner, relax in our Sportsman's Lounge and listen to he live music (*our bartender can play "Lady of Spain" with two kazoos at one time using his nose) or try your luck in our casino (*poker game with the owner using cards with more marks on them than Johnny Knoxville after the "human piñata" episode of "Jackass").

When it's time to go home, we'll even ship your catch home for you (*four-day standard letter doesn't cost that much). We're proud of the fact that 95 percent of our guests come back to visit us (*mostly to try to collect the extra $1,000 we tagged on their credit card for "marital counseling services" when our bartender listened to them whine about their spouse all week). We look forward to seeing you (*more specifically, your money) at Big Bass Lake Resort. Act fast to reserve your cabin (*because we could be shut down by the Feds at any minute).