BoatTales
Boating Fun 101
by Alan Jones
June 28, 2007
1. In order to have fun with your boat, the first rule is that you may
actually have to go out on it. Merely sitting at the helm seat while it's on a trailer in your
driveway and making engine sounds by blatting your tongue doesn't count, even though it's pretty
entertaining ... for your neighbors.
2. Drop the I'm-the-skipper-and-my-word-is-law routine. It only worked for Capt. Bligh for a
short while, and he was a trained professional. Your family didn't join the Navy, and they don't
like being ordered around, especially when you insert the word "swabbie" in front of their names.
Besides, your spouse outranks you anyway.
3. It's time to consider getting a new boat if you find yourself saying any of the following
phrases: "OK, let's see where she's leaking this time." "Everybody, cross your fingers, I'm going
to try to start the engine." "Hmmm, is that a new sound?" "Don't worry kids, as long as we keep
moving she won't sink." "Oh no, not again!"
4. If you make your kids participate in watersports, don't force them to keep wakeboarding if
they're spending more time on their face than upright on the board. Or, if you drag them at top
speed on an inflatable before you make a hard turn, make sure that you have the radial clearance to
avoid slingshotting them over an exposed oyster bar.
5. If you insist on playing your CD collection of musicals from the 1950s - like Oklahoma! -
at full volume on your boat's stereo while bellowing the vocals at the top of your lungs in front
of your kids' friends, at least have the decency to give them equal time to play music, even if
it's rap stuff from that candy guy, "M&M."
6. Just because you love fishing more than anything in the world (except you, honey!) doesn't
mean the whole family will become enamored with it. It's possible that your kids can still be "real
Americans" and simply prefer not to participate in your piscatorial pastime, despite what that
article in Hook and Gun Digest says.
7.Allow someone other than yourself to drive the boat once in a while.
And if you do, don't stand next to them and look like you're ready to grab the wheel at any time
while keeping up a running litany of things they should be doing, watching out for, or not be
doing.
8. For the entire family to have fun, it may be necessary for you to be flexible in your
driving habits. While you might love going 85 mph, others may find it a bit disconcerting to have
their faces contorted into Halloween masks by hurricane-force winds, not to mention your spouse's
new $100 coif being transformed into a "Kramer."
9. Learn how to enjoy the activities your family likes. Even though you might not cotton to
the idea of boat bird watching, refrain from loudly announcing that the only birds that you care to
see while on board your boat come in a red and white bucket with the Colonel's picture on the
front.
10. The whole point of boating with your family is to enjoy a shared experience out on the
water, which most everyone should find pleasurable. So, the next time that you find your family
shouting at you in unison, "No!" when you ask them if they're having any fun yet, just remember to
loosen up, straighten up, lighten up, wisen up, and for heaven's sake, take off the admiral's hat,
or at the very least, wear it with the bill facing forward.