Worst of Show

Every year in Las Vegas, fishing tackle manufacturers display the latest and greatest at the ICAST convention, but just like the graduating class of a medical school, somebody has to finish at the bottom.

April 1, 2005

' Worst Fishing Rod ' The De Beers Anniversary Rod
It's only natural that De Beers, the world's diamond monopolists, would venture into the marketplace once they got wind of the fact that the price of the average fishing rod has finally reached two month's income, just like engagement rings. Unfortunately, the diamond-studded Anniversary Rod not only scares the fish when the fisherman waves it ' looking like Glenda the Good Witch casting a spell ' but it also attracts the attention of birds, who are the only other living creatures shallow enough to be impressed by shiny baubles that have no intrinsic value.
Runner-up: The Pro-Peal 10-piece Travel Rod, which has more weak spots than the 1950 Baltimore Colts' defense.

' Worst Fishing Lure ' The Happy Hooker by Repela
To attract fish, Repela relies on the baser instincts of bass by fashioning a lure that resembles a 'fishy of the evening,' complete with short skirt, red lipstick and extra-large pectoral fins. The only problem is that the largest fish are females, who traditionally shun 'easy to land' girl fish like this. The other problem is the male fish will also be wary of the Happy Hooker thanks to the plethora of law enforcement sting operations that have made Johnny the Fish too nervous to approach any female with standards low enough to accept him as a companion.
Runner-up: The PETA Hookless Fishing Lure.

' Worst Fishing Line ' Ultra Extreme Tarantula Wire
It finally happened; they went and made a fishing line that's so strong you can't cut it ' even with an acetylene torch. Once you tie a knot, you can't change lures no matter how ratty it gets, and if you tie it to your reel with an arbor knot and happen to snag your lure on the bottom, you have to either abandon your rod and reel by tossing it overboard, or dive down to retrieve it. Good luck if you're fishing in several hundred feet of water or in Wisconsin during March.
Runner-up: Vanish III, a fishing line that's so invisible, you keep losing the damn stuff.

' Worst Fishing Reel ' Briggs and Stratton ICR
Hoping to alleviate the problem of what to do with the endless supply of fossil fuels on Earth and help make America even more dependent on foreign sources, B&S invented the Internal Combustion Reel. Its design is based on the venerable weed whacker engine, which has served as a Sunday morning alarm clock for sleepy neighbors for decades. The flagship is a 50-hp turbo-charged model that can reel in a pair of fish lips in only 2.7 seconds. Its only redeeming quality is that its cloud of exhaust smoke eliminates the need for mosquito spray.
Runner-up: The SumSong Talking Reel coaches the angler with verbal feedback like, 'The fish is winning, do something!' Or, 'If you don't reel faster, this fish will die of old age before you get it in.'

' Worst Fishing Boat ' Solar-Powered Fishing Boat
The most obvious design flaw of this boat is when anglers finally get a day off to go fishing, it's always cloudy and raining. And even when the sun is shining, the boat's speed is a stately 2.3 mph, which is too slow for trolling, but still too fast to use in manatee no-wake zones without getting a ticket. Because the surface of the black solar panels gets hotter than the grill at Ruth's Chris, anglers must wear Nomex racing suits to avoid going up in a puff of smoke.
Runner-up: The Body by Jake Exercise Boat, which features twin wooden 'Exer-oars.'