"Welcome to the show, sir. What kind of boat do you own?"

"It's a 1977 SplashCraft Fish Scrambler with a Forced 100 on the back."

"What kind of boat are you looking for?"

"Oh, I'm not thinking of buying. I'm just here to look. I love my old boat."

"I'm sure you do, sir. Let me ask you a few questions. Is she getting hard to start?"

"Maybe a little, but that's how I can tell if I'm having a lucky fishing day. You know, if it starts, I might get lucky and actually catch fish that day."

"Isn't that special. How about the boat itself? I understand that particular model rides rougher than a night in jail, is wetter than Seattle in January, handles like a pig in rough water, and tends to leak like a sieve after a few years."

"Well sure, you can nitpick any boat, but it really looks cool. Well, at least it did in the '70s when that pea-green color was in vogue and the hull hadn't faded."

"What kind of fishing do you like to do?"

"I usually fish a combination of inshore and offshore, working the tides. Because of my balky engine, I usually go out with the tide and come back in when it switches around ... saves gas, too."

"Sir, have you considered trading up to a new boat for the safety of your family?"

"That's not a problem, since they're afraid to go out with me. Hmmm, I'm starting to think you might be right. Just for the sake of argument, what kind of fishing boats do you have?"

"Well, our entry-level BayBasher 1800 Club Angler with a Yakitori 150 is a popular boat. How many kids do you have?"

"Four, plus a Saint Bernard and my wife, but she won't get on anything without a stateroom, show lounge, dining room and casino."

"Sounds like a cruise ship to me. Perhaps we could interest you in one of our luxury fishing models like the Mastiff 3500 Tournament Pro with triple 250s. It's got a king-size master berth, a flip-down flat-screen HD TV, Jacuzzi-sized livewell and a full galley with a six-person dinette. And I'll tell you what, if you buy today, I'll throw in a deck of playing cards and a rack of poker chips - that could be your casino."

"Sounds expensive. How much will all that set me back?"

"Normally, it's $289,000, but it's boat-show priced at only $252,000. Sir ... sir! Are you OK? You seemed to have lost consciousness for a moment."

"I'm alright. It's just my hearing. For a second I thought yousaid the price of the boat was $252,000."

"Actually, it's slightly more with the dealer prep, shipping and shrink wrap ... Sir! Can someone help me over here? I've got a client down."

"Wow, I see why you put down this plush carpeting in your booth. How in the heck is a working man supposed to afford a boat like that? It costs as much as my house."

"Actually, there are some creative techniques you can use to make it happen ..."

"Hi, honey. I see you're back from the boat show. Why is there a semi-tractor towing what looks like a fiberglass version of the Great Wall of China in our driveway? And WHY is there a 'For Sale' sign in our front yard?"


Illustration by Brian Buxton