No matter how experienced of a driver of small boats you are, the first time you get behind the wheel of an 80-foot vessel is a thrill. From the flybridge helm station, the Mystic looks as big as the oil tanker Exxon Valdez, which was piloted by another skipper at least as talented as you. And when you flash upon the fact that the president of the United States' annual salary could barely cover the cost of this baby, you could get a little nervous.

That is, unless you follow the car rental protocol set by the late gonzo journalist, Hunter Thompson, and opt for the $15 a day collision damage waiver insurance policy - the best money you'll ever spend. And when the storm hits in a couple of hours, that will be one of the few comforting thoughts you have.

In Western Kentucky, there's a pristine 170,000-acre wilderness area set in a peninsula between the Cumberland and Tennessee Rivers - just a couple of inches away on the map from where the Mississippi and Ohio Rivers collide - called Land Between The Lakes. Bracketed by Kentucky Lake on the Tennessee River and Lake Barkley on the Cumberland River, these 'lakes" are actually just wide spots in the rivers that were both formed by the Tennessee Valley Authority (TVA) using some of the largest dams in the world to generate electricity, control flooding, improve navigation by deep draft vessels, and create some recreation habitat for humanity in some of the prettiest scenery you've ever ... ah ... scene.

Loading up the mountain of provisions is made easier, thanks to the helpful young dockhands aided by a pair of industrial-strength golf carts. Fortunately, getting an early start isn't  a problem for those who stayed at the rentable luxury condos overlooking Lake Barkley at Green Turtle Bay Resort where WaterWay Adventures rents these vacation behemoths. In this neck of the woods everything seems super-sized, including the resort, which boasts a marina with 450 slips and an additional 150 dry-rack storage spaces.

Proving the adage that 'if you rent it, they will come,' the relatives begin straggling in from all over the country for this floating family reunion. After catching a gander of the "Queen Mary," the first order of business for newcomers is to gasp and exclaim, 'Oh my gosh!' (the PG version), which is followed quickly by an inquiry as to which of the six nicely appointed staterooms is theirs. After everyone is present and accounted for, one of the WaterWays employees backs the 18-foot-wide boat out of the 19-foot-wide slip and turns the wheel over to you, and the adventure officially begins.

The destination is McNabb Bay, off of Lake Barkley where Uncle Pete and Aunt Jane have had a cabin for more than 40 years. It doesn't take long to fall into the rhythm of the river as you take in the unspoiled scenery. That is, until a looming stone edifice appears on the port side. Known as the 'Castle on the Cumberland,' the Kentucky State Penitentiary, built in 1886 for the modest sum of $275,000, is an impressive structure. One of the facility's claims to fame is that on July 13, 1929, seven inmates were electrocuted - the most people ever in America to have been executed at one place and time.

In retrospect, it would have been prudent to check out The Weather Channel before disembarking, but the sun is shining on this beautiful day in June, and they only have about a three-hour cruise ... hmmm, where have you heard that before? Come on, sing the 'Gilligan' song, you know you want to. With only about five miles to go, you come to the grim realization that the dark wall of water that's blotting out the horizon is going to soon envelop you before you get to your destination. No big deal, just a little rain shower; fortunately, the Mystic has an indoor helm station, so you scamper below.

The first blast of wind takes you by surprise by its violence as it scatters the stout patio furniture on the front deck with surprising ease. A couple of hapless volunteers are sent forward to secure them and quickly re-enter the main salon (living room) hyper-hydrated. The 'untrepid' captain has a Vulcan death grip on the wheel and decides to head into a nearby cove, but when the digital depthfinder starts reading "twosies,' despite the chart displaying plenty of water, that plan is abandoned. Holding the boat on a steady course into the melee proves to be nearly impossible because of the gusty wind and rain that lashes the vessel's massive two-story windage and threatens to slew them sideways. With several miles of fetch, the seas have room to grow to a nasty 3-foot slop. The pair of puny puttering power plants - 140-hp 4-cylinder MerCruiser inboard/outboards - are designed to push the houseboat at a touristy pace along the river, but prove to be barely adequate, even with the starboard engine maxed and the port in neutral. The momentary flashback to the moment you said 'yes' to the insurance question fails to fully cheer you up, but nonetheless causes a wry smile to form, possibly triggering some concern from the passengers about the grinning/grimacing captain. Should he start to sing 'Lady of Spain' like Quint in the movie 'Jaws' when the shark attacks the Orca, all confidence could be lost ... all confidence could be lost (that Gilligan song gets stuck in your head). 

Finally they punch through, and in a short time are greeted by Uncle Pete, a retired cardiologist, now operating a small aluminum boat and leading them into his home port waters (OK, the pilot overshoots the cove until he sees the next channel marker, making him merely confused, not lost). Although the last time the author/skipper had been here was more than 35 years before, not much has changed in the cove. There are a few more houses, but by and large it's still a functional woodsy retreat far from the madding crowd; that is, until the boisterous pleasure barge makes its arrival.

Per the operator's manual, both the stern and bow anchors are deployed and seem secure (later they discover just how secure). It's time to say their "howdies' to the land-based clan, crank up the stereo, and fire up the hot tub that's been sloshing around on the upper deck. In this aquatic manifestation of la dolce vita, almost everyone changes into swimsuits and takes the plunge into the waters that are relaxingly tepid. The curved tunnel slide on the stern gets steady patronage from the group of kids that number somewhere between a gaggle and a swarm.

With a boat this size, you need a tender, and they just happen to have the 'Mac-daddy' of all shuttle boats: a Baja 23 Outlaw with a 375-hp MerCruiser MAG 496. If one of your joys in life is to make kids and adults scream with delight/terror, this is the boat for you. It's a huge hit, and the list of kids and kid-wannabes who want to go skiing and tubing rivals the reservations list at The Four Seasons on Mother's Day. And in between skiing sets, the rest just want to get on the Baja and take the E-ticket ride as it nukes across the water at 65 mph, before slowing marginally, trimming down, and carving a perfect high-G horseshoe turn. The only downside of having a nice boat, like the Baja, for a shuttle is that the trail from the cabin to the small wooden dock is a muddy path, which means you spend a fair amount of your time during the next couple of days trying to keep the pristine white upholstery that's on the boat in that condition.

During the night, the wind shifts and you see that the Mystic is now a little bit closer to land than you would like, so a nocturnal change of anchorage is attempted. But as it turns out, there's no need to worry about the boat going closer to shore because it's discovered that both anchors are stuck to the bottom of the cove like they've been epoxied there. 

The next day, the rain clouds cocoon the skies over the cove, and everyone goes "sitabout' while waiting for the showers to move along. Sometimes these are the best parts of a vacation, where you can kick back, take a snooze, or catch up on your backlog of non-intellectual reading without feeling guilty that you should be 'doing something.' The youngsters keep busy making handicraft items with beads and watching the satellite TV, while the treacherous adults try fruitlessly to separate the older kids from their allowances during a game of no-limit Texas Hold'Em.

When the rain slacks a bit, the anchor salvage operation begins. First, the stern anchor line is tied off to a fender and cast loose, and you try circling the bow anchor and only manage to part the line. When you fail to raise the stern anchor either, you at least discover the cause: Under the boat is a tangle of submerged trees and brush that were flooded when Lake Barkley was formed in the '60s. There's nothing quite as awkward as being in an 80-foot houseboat in a state of 'anchorlessness,' but WaterWays Adventures comes to the rescue by sending a couple of spares. Even though they've probably heard the story before, they're even gracious enough not to roll their eyes when you explain how you lost two anchors (the stern anchor is finally recovered).

The worst part of family get-togethers is making the sad farewells to relatives that you don't get to see often enough. But as they say, all good things must come to an end, and as the Mystic puts its stern to the cove that has been their home for the last few days, it's not really a goodbye, but rather a 'see you later.' 

I n memory of Brandon Oxford, my 11-year-old nephew, who tragically died several months after this trip. After trying unsuccessfully to waterski during previous vacations, Brandon finally got up on his last attempt.

Super Shuttle

The companion boat on the trip is a Baja 23 Outlaw. This versatile runabout is powered by a 375-hp MerCruiser 496 MAG, which pushes it to a top speed of 65 mph. This compact go-fast has the look, the feel, and the sound of its larger brethren with drop-down, bolster seating and high performance Livorsi gauges and controls. Although it has a performance hull with a 23-degree deadrise, which means it can slash across rough water with ease, it also gets out of the hole quickly enough - by using the trim tabs - to make it a good ski boat. The 23 Outlaw's single engine configuration gives you plenty of performance without breaking the bank, and owners will be more than happy with its aggressively quick handling. www.bajamarine.com. - A.J.  

Baja 23 Outlaw Specifications:

Top Speed  65.3 mph
(w/375-hp MerCruiser MAG 496)
Time To Plane  4.6 seconds
0-30 mph  6.2 seconds Decibels @ Idle  62/68 dB-A*
Decibels @ 30 mph  84/86 dB-A*
Decibels @ WOT  95/96 dB-A*
Base Price      $53,538
(w/300-hp MerCruiser MAG 350) 

*With Captain's Call exhaust system and without. 

 
When You Go

There are several ways to enjoy the fabulous boating of Western Kentucky, but to become fully immersed in the experience, renting a houseboat from WaterWay Adventures ( www.waterway-adventures.com) ranks right at the top. There are three sizes of houseboats to choose from, starting with the 53-foot Wanderer all the way to the 80-foot Mystic. There's a three-day minimum, and the season runs from April 1 to November 4. If you choose to fly into nearby Paducah and don't want to trailer your boat, WaterWay also rents pontoons, ski boats, fishing boats and deck boats by the day or hour. If you don't want to spend the entire time on the water, the full-service Green Turtle Bay Resort ( www.greenturtlebay.com) rents condos that have a great view of Lake Barkley, and is positioned right at the tip of the Land Between The Lakes near the canal that leads to Kentucky Lake. This area has plenty to do, like visiting the National Recreation Area ( www.lbl.org) at the bison and elk prairie to get a close-up look at these magnificent animals roaming free. You can also check out a 19th century farm called "The Homeplace,' or visit the planetarium. - A.J.

House Hunting

Want to learn more about houseboats of all shapes and sizes? Visit these manufacturers' websites:

Sharpe Houseboats  
( www.sharpehouseboats.com)

Sumerset Houseboats
( www.sumerset.com)

Gibson Houseboats
( www.gibsonboats.com)

Monticello River Yachts
( www.monticelloriveryachts.com)

SkipperLiner
( www.skipperliner.com)

Blue Water Yachts
( www.bluewateryachts.com)

Majestic Yachts Inc.
( www.majesticyachts.com)

Harbor Master Boats
( www.harbormaster.com)

Destination Yachts
( www.dmrtc.net/~desyacht)

American Waterways
( www.american-waterways.com)